I was driving to pick up my nephews the other day and on my way there was a fawn that had been hit by a car laying in the roadway . The fawn was still moving its leg like it was trying to continue running. All I could think about was that fawn's mother watching her baby die and I was overcome with such a deep sadness. Even as I type this out my eyes fill with water and I can feel that mama deer's pain. I had to pull over to gather myself. I was going to see my nephews and I did not want them to see me like that. I often get upset when I see dead animals on the road, but I shake it off and keep driving, this time I was upset on a whole other level. *On a side note there was a police car driving behind me which I saw pull over and put the fawn down.
I see mothers with their children that would be roughly the same age as little Amy would be now and it hurts my heart so much. I wonder if as she would have grown, and I see children at the age this pain will still knock me off my feet at times. It feels like this sadness that has become such a deep part of me that it has become my new normal.
This love of a mother for a child has nowhere to go. Don't get me wrong, I love my nephews and nieces ridiculously, but it is different then that love of a parent for a child. I think about other people in my life who had so badly wanted to be parents and it didn't happen and I think to myself how do they get through it? Then I think about how I get through it, and it's because I have no other choice, life continues on and I must move with it.
So what I can do right now is focus on what I can control and take charge of and my physical health is in the forefront these days. The one thing that has become my positive constant is my persistence with jogging. This week I was notified by the Couch to 5k app that I am halfway through the training program. Really??? I am halfway to jogging 5 kilometers solid? Well it must be true of the app tells me so! I would be lying if I said I enjoy it, but one of the things I do enjoy about it is that when I am jogging I am fully present in my body and my mind is clear.
I have invested in a few things since I started running, which I believe have made me less distracted and more committed, because when I spend money on something I want to use it! I am all about having the right gear before taking on something new, which I think helps with both making it easier and solidifying my commitment to whatever the new thing is I am taking on. I noticed this helpful with my last new thing which was yoga. I invested in a good mat, bolsters, and good yoga clothing so I wouldn't be constantly tugging at my clothes. Although I haven't been as dedicated to my practice the past couple of years as I would like to be, I know his is something I will always return to so I feel I can justify the cost of proper clothing & equipment. I did the same thing this time with jogging, although I have been discovering things along the way as well. I had a good pair of runners, and a good sports bra, which I had invested in quite a few years ago when I was using the treadmill on a regular basis. My friend mentioned to have good socks that won't fall down so that is also something I picked up. I thought I had good pants, but it turned out I was constantly tugging at them so as suggested by the same friend I got a pair of drawstring pants which have a bonus that I can tie my house key onto my pants. I started off with some issues in my right knee, so I bought a tensor, and ended up getting one for my left knee as well. The knee pain is diminishing and I am hoping before I know it that will no longer be an issue. I was using my iPhone headphones which my Dad was not happy to see as he worries about my safety. I ordered a pair of wireless open ear headphones on Amazon which are decent and do the job. The last thing I ordered on Amazon which I haven't received yet is my waterproof armband to put my phone in. Once that arrives I think I have everything I need, at least until the weather shifts and I need a couple long sleeve shirts, and a jacket.
Some other things I have found helpful for me include:
- Using the Couch to 5k app and syncing it to a great playlist of tunes. The fact that a voice comes over the headphones and tells me when to jog or brisk walk is my favourite feature of the app. Also not looking at the app to see how much longer I will be running, as I find looking at the app just makes it harder and impacts my motivation. I just hit start and shift my interval as it comes over my headset.
- Going first thing in the morning. My alarm is set for 8am most days. On a jogging day I wake up put on my clothes, put on some chapstick, pop a piece of gum in my mouth and go. This way I have no food or drink in my belly sloshing around, or time to talk myself out of going.
- Drinking lots of water throughout the day to stay hydrated. I do not take water with me on my jog, I think this has been something that has hindered me in the past because if I have it I drink it & then I have too much water in my tummy and then to add it it I will need to pee, and cramping. This may change as my distance becomes longer but for now no water. It's not like I am going great distances so it's not a huge concern so long as I am drinking plenty of water throughout the rest of the day & week.
- Internal dialogue/stubbornness. I do not allow thoughts into my head that say I can't do it. When it gets tough and I feel vulnerable to self-doubt I start my internal dialogue. I tell myself just do it, or you can do it, or keep going, or you did this the other day you can do it now, or you have been doing this for weeks you are not going to throw that away. My personality comes with a stubborn streak and sometimes it comes in handy. At some points I would say it is shear stubbornness that has kept me going. Like this week when I had to jog for 8 solid minutes twice and my period was at it's heaviest, and I just wanted to stay in bed or go back to bed. Stubbornness I tell ya, it can come in handy! I could shift my language to perseverance or determination, but my family would tell you it is stubbornness;) Maybe it's a combination of them all!
The rare day I sleep in I make myself a fried egg sandwich for brunch. I put mayo, grainy mustard, fried egg, bacon, avocado, and spinach on. This also makes a great quick lazy dinner. Yum!
A Tasha original creation! I made Prawn Taco Rice Bowl. I made rice and instead of water used a can of enchilada sauce and some vegetable broth. While that cooked I boiled some corn on the cob briefly then slathered it in olive oil, sea salt, & pepper and put it on the barbecue. After it was grilled I sliced it off of the cob and mixed it with a can of black beans, red onion, lime juice, and cilantro. When the rice was cooked I let it to sit and tossed some prawns in a spice seasoning which was a combo of cumin, chili powder, paprika, and sea salt & pepper. I sauteed them and as they cooked I sliced up some cabbage. I plated some rice and topped it with the cabbage, black bean & corn mixture, sliced avocado, the prawns, and then some cilantro and a couple slices of lime to squeeze over it. It was delicious!
The following evening I had the leftover and added some drizzles of cashew cream as well. I will make this again, but probably with red cabbage for the colour.
Salad topped with grilled ahi tuna. I got this tuna previously frozen from the grocery store so I didn't have the confidence not to cook it all the way through. In hindsight I probably should have just gotten some fresh from somewhere I trust and enjoyed it medium rare. I had chopped romaine lettuce with shredded beets and carrots, a combination of sprouts, sliced cucumber, and snap peas. I sprinkled the tuna with sea salt & pepper and seared it in ceramic frying pan with sesame oil. I used Renee's Tangerine & Lime salad dressing, which I recently tried at a friend's house and loved!
I will leave it there for now:)
A river cuts through rock, not because of its power, but because of its persistence. ~James N. Watkins