Because some days all of my strength is used to get myself out of bed, and the last thing I want is to answer the polite nicety of how are you. I don't have the energy to lie anymore, and I don't want to actually say how I am.
Because my body feels like it's being held hostage by the hormones I inject and ingest daily, or it's attempting to recover from the hormones before the next round. The hormones that make me want to cry uncontrollably because I just happened to turn on the tv and saw a diaper or pregnancy test commercial, or when I went to the grocery store I nearly parked in a spot until I saw the parent parking sign, which just reinforced my lack of child, and once I managed to get into the store I have to try to get in and out as quickly as possible because the longer I am in there the greater the chances of crossing paths with someone who is pregnant, or with a baby.
Because gauging a good day verses a bad day has become measuring how many times that day I thought about wishing I wasn't alive, and less then 3 is a good day, don't ask how many can be in a bad day...
Because I am still trying to work through the grief and loss of a pregnancy that ended, and never happened again...
Because I really don't want to hear that things happen for a reason, or my challenges are making me stronger, or that I have no idea what tired or busy is.
Because this roller coaster ride has been going on for two and a half years, and I no longer see the point in pulling others along for the looooong ride.
Because 'my person' who I have gone to my entire life for support, guidance, and encouragement is deceased and not only am I trying to navigate the grief around that and I need her more then ever and she's not there.
Because I am driving three hours or more to an appointment that takes fifteen minutes so I can turn around and drive home... and I may have to do it over again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...
Because even though I want to make plans to meet up for a coffee I can't (see the previous or first 'because' to know why) and if I do there is a good chance I will have to cancel, and eventually I will have cancelled too many times.
Those 'becauses' take every ounce of energy I have. So it's just easier to disappear into the wood work, until I get through this darkness. Yes I know it won't be this way forever, and that is what keeps me going. Two and a half years of ths has taken it out of me.
At this point I am focusing on one day at a time and not thinking about the next day, week, month, or year, and that is how I am getting through. I am meditating, walking, cooking, going to therapy & acupuncture, writing (with an actual pen and paper), and spending time with my sweetie, and on occasion time with family or a friend. This is helping me keep my head above the water.
I have been spending a lot of time in the kitchen and trying out a fair number of new to me recipes. These are my dad's chicken wings, and they are mouth watering delicious! They are dipped in egg and then flour and cooked in a sauce that combines soy sauce, vinegar, water, and sugar, and then cooked low and slow turning regularly. MMMMMMM I will be making these again soon.
I made this recipe for Skillet Pork Chops with Mushroom Gravy, which were excellent. I served them on mashed potatoes, and steamed some sliced carrots and frozen peas.
I tried out this delicious recipe for Baked Scallops. While they baked I roasted brussel sprouts and fennel tossed in olive oil sea salt & pepper, and toward the end of the vegges cooking I added 2 prawn skewers also drizzled with olive oil sea salt & pepper. When there was a few minutes left on the veggies I cooked packaged stuffed portabello mushroom ravioli and then tossed in olive oil & fresh basil and served it with the veggies, prawns and scallops, and drizzeled some of the scallop sauce on everything. Best dinner EVER!
I made a new spin on my sweeties favourite breakfast for dairy free eggs benny. I usually make it with sauteed mushrooms and spinach, and smoked or candied salmon. This was a much simpler version with avocado and bacon. I am not sure which version I prefer but they are both pretty darn good!
On one of my trips down island I stopped in one of my favourite places to go for a walk.
I spend a lot of time in the car and have come across some great podcasts. I listen to a huge array of podcasts including a variety of true crime podcasts, The Secret Life of Canada, The Good Life, On Being, Night Time, Lore, Radiolab, Stuff You Missed in History Class, and Historical Figures to name a few. I like to listen to podcasts when I am in the kitchen or the numerous hours I spend in the car. It's a nice escape from the everyday life.
If you are looking for an interesting listen I suggest:
CBC Podcast Out in the Open hosted by Piya Chattopadhyay Pregnancy Loss
Or an interesting read:
How Infertility Kills Your Self-Esteem by Aela Mass
There are years that ask questions, and years that answer.
~Zora Neale Hurston
~Zora Neale Hurston