This journey is unlike any challenge I have had to face, and I think a big part of that isn't just the process, it's also because of the sense of isolation you feel. Very few people are aware of the ongoing journey we have been through, and since it is the center thing in our lives from which all other things revolve I don't have a lot else to talk about. Frankly after nearly 3 years, I am tired of it being the centre of our life and I am tired of talking about it. That doesn't help with the feeling of isolation...
Most days I try to make the best of the days, but just managing to get through the day and the encounters I will speak to in moment can make getting through the day even more challenging. I have been getting out more, which inevitably means running into people I haven't seen since I moved away 12 years ago. I had been staying home trying to avoid those encounters because they drain me emotionally, and I get enough of them with the mandatory grocery shopping because hey a girls gotta eat! Every single time I get asked if I have kids, it's inevitable. This past week I ran into someone who asked if I had kids and I said no, to which they replied, "oh you decided not to have any?" (please, don't ever say that to anyone, EVER, mostly because it's no one's business) without thinking I reacted and said actually I can't have kids, thinking that would be the end of it. Of course with someone who would actually ask you if it was a choice, it's not the end of it. Then after the awkwardness becomes thick, I get to hear all about their kid's kids. This is the moment I wonder if my glazed over look is noticeable or if I have become an expert at hiding that too. That was only one of my encounters similar to that this week.
Just a suggestion, but another way to approach when you haven't seen someone for a long time is to ask how their family is. Then they get to define who their family is. If they don't mention kids they probably don't have any, because I have yet to run into a parent who doesn't mention their kids. I don't say that in a way that pokes fun at parents or is critical, parents are generally proud of their kids and have every right to be, so it will come up. And if it doesn't it's probably a topic to steer clear of. They will bring it up if they want to. If asked how my family is I would mention my sweetie, my parents, and my brother's family, and I would be quite happy to let you know how they all are. And you could read between the lines that I don't have kids, which is really all the information you need to know.
Curiosity doesn't mean a person has a right to know, and regardless my sense of dignity, at least what's left of it (see my last blog post for more on that) overrides your curiosity. You don't need to or have a right to know why I don't have kids, or whether it is by choice or because of my failing reproductive system. That is my own business, not yours. And if I want to talk about the struggles that have come with that I will, although it is highly unlikely, it is even more unlikely if I am asked probing questions.
Dealing with the mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual impacts of ongoing fertility treatments is exhausting, and adding to it, with what seems like small interactions for the other person that would be meaningless to someone else can knock your feet our from under you. When you are going through fertility treatments it consumes your life, everything is planned around it and if you're not in the thick of it, you are thinking about what's ahead, or the ache in your heart for what you long so deeply for. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about it, it's just a matter of how much of the space it consumes.
I like to spend time at the beach, because it helps me feel more grounded. When I feel grounded I feel like I can manage the curve balls life throws my way. Its been nice to see the signs of spring; the flowers, the sunshine, the warmer temperatures. It makes it more desirable for a fair weather girl like me to want to spend time outdoors.
I poached halibut in veggie broth and cooking wine, I sprinkled it with tarragon. This was served alongside steamed carrots and cauliflower, and mushroom rice which I added green peas to.
I made a fettucini alfredo with prawns, carrots, asparagus, zucchini, mushrooms, and frozen peas.
My all time favourite crockpot recipe is my sweeties whole chicken with a delicious rub. He has two different rub recipes he uses. This time it was: 2 tsp paprika, 1 tsp cayenne, 1 tsp onion powder, 1 tsp thyme, 1 tsp white pepper, 1/2 tsp black pepper, 2 tsp sea salt. Rub it on and let the crockpot do the rest. It makes a delicious gravy hen you pull the chicken out of the crockpot and skim the fat. We like to saute sliced crimini mushrooms and add the our gravy. We love mushrooms and add them to pretty much everything:)
Chicken dinner with mashed potatoes & kale, steamed green beans and asparagus, and gravy with mushrooms. Mmm mmmm mmm
I am about to start this book, Avalanche, by Julia Leigh. It is a a fertility story that I am sure I will work my way through rather quickly. I will let you know how it is.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot. ~Eleanor Roosevelt